Starting to get something approaching a routine.
I’ve begun a volunteering position at a cancer hospital not too far from my house - it’s easy work, and a chance to feel like I’m helping people to some tiny extent, and it gives me a reason to get out of bed on my days off. It’s also three hours where I can mostly do what I want, but with no access to the internet or a computer. Yesterday, I planned two thirds of my next story and read an entire book.
I should probably add that my Mum was treated there a long time ago. Which. Well. Not to be sentimental, but I don’t like to think about how things might have ended up if she hadn’t sought treatment with them. They’re really very good.
The aforementioned story is about a farmer and a particularly violent death of a teenage boy. I don’t want to hold back on the gore on this one. It’s funny: since the Dramatic Legal Trouble five years ago, I haven’t really explored anything too shocking in my writing, and while this definitely falls within legal boundaries (you’ll find far worse at the front of any bookshop), there’s this weird sense of thrilled caution that comes with writing anything that could potentially offend. I know not to go near certain subjects, but the way I’m approaching this one (I think) is given the right moral attitude and sensitivity for it to be okay. But. Gruesome.
I won’t go into more yet, just because I’m still trying to figure out a couple of structural things. But I’ll talk a bit more about it soon.
I’ve also started running. Which is huge, for me, even if it’s still sinking in. It’s a couch-to-5k programme, and I’m currently on week 2 of 9. I think it’s doing me some good. There’s a rush that comes about ten minutes after getting home that I can see getting addictive. But. We’ll see.
Other than that… I’ve noticed that I keep telling people I’m “ticking along”, but I think that does me a disservice. In a few crucial senses, I feel like I’m advancing. I’m seeing friends more. I’m filling my time, if not in a productive way, then in a way that’s more structured than sitting in front of a web browser and clicking until the anxiety lifts. There’s a weird sense of triumphing over a kind of adversity that was never really there to begin with. Still feels like a triumph, though.