I get into slumps sometimes. I know by now not to refer to it as depression - it’s more like extended periods where I’m more susceptible to bouts of anxiety. Now that I can feel myself beginning to rise out of one of these slumps, I’m starting to recognise the shape of it - when it began, how it manifested, what (if anything) has changed to improve my general mood.
This time, it mostly took the form of relationship anxiety. At my worst, I can become the sort of person who needs constant emotional validation from those around me, and for numerous reasons that need was left unfulfilled - my friends were across the country or otherwise unavailable, my partner had problems of her own to contend with, and my family can be hard to talk to.
When I’m like this, my self-awareness goes out of the window, so without those continuous pats on the back things can start to turn sour. I take it personally. Neediness can turn to maliciousness. Thankfully, these days, I’ve retained enough basic human decency to internalise all of this - I don’t verbally lash out, or shift my angst onto the shoulders of others - but within or without, it still eats away at me.
It’s only when you have the mental freedom to take a step back that you can see the progression. You’d think that an impulse taking the form of fuck everyone, then, I’m going to bed would be absurd enough to flash up warning signs, but sometimes I allow myself to get a bit too entrenched. At my best, my ability to take myself and my projects seriously allows me to write, and to reflect, and to reason from point A to B faster than those around me; at my worst, I trust too much in thoughts that don’t have much value.
I struggle the most, I think, when it comes to thoughts that come from normal ideas. You expect friends to be friendly. You expect care and attention from the people you love. Where things fall off the rails is when you try and quantify how much is acceptable. There is no number. One fantastic night with friends is far more worthwhile than a few dozen responses to text messages. One meaningful gesture can be miles more important than constant availability.
I am still improving as a human being. I can see the strides I’ve already made, but there’s always space to change for the better. These days, though, I know to take every chance to develop, no matter how small. Not every learning experience needs to come with an accompanying crisis.