It’s hard to turn your gaze inward, sometimes. America is not a country that encourages introspection - self-realisation, sure, but that assumes that everyone already knows the self they want to be. I am a little lost on that front. There are words you could throw at me, and some of them would stick. Writer is the most obvious one, but in terms of the things I write it’s hard to parlay that it into a career.
The thing I’m writing at the moment - or planning to write, at least - is teetering on a precipice at the moment where I’ll either rush headlong into the process or consider the whole lot unimaginably shit and never look at it again. I have done both before. I’m still not sure where this one will end up. It seems fun, but I’m not sure if it’s that intelligent - or, rather, has the potential to become so. All of my ideas start out stupid at their core. The complexity comes later on.
In terms of forward momentum, writing is all I have right now. I am paralyzed by bureaucracy, waiting on my work permit, which also happens to be my proof of eligibility for just about anything (including a learner’s permit, meaning I’m currently unable to drive). That’ll hopefully arrive soon, though it could be another two months. Being able to sit down and scribble a few words here and there is small consolation, but it’s something.
Earlier today, I wrote something altogether more methodical, mostly focusing on the external, casting what started out as a wry glance at America, only for it to morph into something altogether more bitter. I am, by my nature, an anxious person, and that’s why I ended up deleting the whole thing; my anxiety about all of this, this forcibly slow settling period, was starting to bleed into my attitudes. When I clear my head, I see things for how they are - not perfect, but not the dire state of affairs that I sometimes my convince myself is the case.
I am two months married. I am four months emigrated. I am learning different ways to live. On January 11th, I threw a few dozen balls in the air, and I’m just beginning to see them falling back to earth.