My best friend was accepted onto a teacher training course today. It’s weird to think about, but it’s a milestone of sorts - for the first time, our lives are starting to diverge. We both went to the same school, then the same college, for the most part choosing the same subjects (his Drama was my Music; my French was his Archaeology, etc.). We even did fairly similar degrees (at different universities).
We both share a bit of a fear of responsibility, but are dealing with it in different ways. For Joe, going into further training puts off the career ladder for another year; for me, the convoluted visa process (and a wedding) means that I won’t be looking for another job until at least a few months after I enter the USA. We both work in education at the moment, in entry-level jobs; I’m a library assistant, he’s a teaching assistant. He probably has it rougher.
I’ve been feeling my age a little more lately. I’m not sure what I want to do anymore. Obviously, I want to emigrate, marry Arden, and live with her, but that’s only one side of my future. It sounds odd, but there’s the social side - I can get so far by saying that I have friends all around the world (and I will, and I already do), but in terms of that day-to-day contact, I’ll be starting afresh. And when it comes, there’s the issue of employment. I don’t want to be shoehorned into a career I hate just because it’s available. Maybe I want to coast for a little while, doing something similar to here - an acceptable wage for a job with little advancement, until I work out where I want to take things.
The fear comes from those people at university who were always incredibly assertive about what they want to be. I think Joe has the luxury of being that way, though he says it all with a certain air of resignation; it’s as if he knows that he’s destined to be a teacher (and despite our sordid past, I think he’ll be a great one), but is ambivalent about the fact. One particular Floridian I know has a CV so impressive and focused that it’s kind of intimidating.
I don’t think I’m stupid - okay, I know I’m not stupid - but I am inexperienced. Professionally, at least. I can design websites, but my two professional gigs were a music festival that no longer exists and a really bad design for a failed record label startup that massively overpaid me. I can write journalism, but aside from a couple of pieces for A Bright Wall In A Dark Room my only decent back catalogue is in the archives for my university’s student newspaper - okay, but limited. I can write fiction, just about, but I’m unlikely to ever make a shitload of money off it (something I’m fine with, incidentally, as long as I always have the time to write).
This isn’t to say that I don’t think I couldn’t get into certain fields if I tried hard enough - maybe not web design, but journalism wouldn’t be out of the question. I could maybe teach if I had a little more resolve. Libraries are interesting - though I think I’d prefer to work in a local one (the behaviour in school ones ranges from awful to really not so good). It’s all open. And, provided I keep active - dipping into volunteering activities, staying aware of my options - they’re going to open for a few years, yet. This might be the shocker of the century, but I’m not the only twenty-something who doesn’t have his life worked out.
I have about eight or nine months to work out what my next step is. In the meantime, I’ll keep trying my hand at a few different things, keep working at my current job, and keep a positive outlook. A vague future doesn’t have to be a dark one.