It’s been a while since I sat down with the sole intention of spilling my thoughts onto here, and I’ve been trying to figure out why that is. I’m at a bit of a weird stage at the moment - like a thousand tiny threads are wrapped around my limbs, and they’re pulling in different directions without warning. Objectively, my life isn’t a challenge at the moment, but the less predictable parts of my brain can turn the most mundane of events into an opportunity for joy or a total ordeal.
Maybe I should take stock. So.
My writing is ticking along. If you haven’t yet glanced at the recent piece I wrote for A Bright Wall In A Dark Room, you could do that. I’ve also been posting progress reports on Dystopolis in this tag, and I’ve started writing something about Four Lions that’ll end up somewhere (it might be here, if I can’t get anyone else to take interest, but it’s a while off). I think I can say I’m just about back into the swing of things. Where I might have written something like this in the past, now I’ll open Word and keep working on short stories or essays. I’m even collaborating again, working on a piece of interactive fiction with Joe. I’m managing my time a little better.
I’ve been reaching out a little more often. One thing I regret over the last year or so is isolating myself a little, neglecting the community value you can get from a website like this, and I’m hoping to do a little more to make myself available. There’s the URL change, the willingness to use my real name again; there are people I wouldn’t wish this openness on, but my skin is thick enough to take the occasional unpleasant comment with the good.
I still don’t quite have the best handle on things. I spent three hours tonight trying to set up a PC game before I realised the futility of what I was doing, and by that time I’d - well - spent three hours on it. Sometimes I’ll still put things off. Sometimes I’ll still fall into dwelling on negative thoughts. I’m not perfect, and feeling better about myself is always going to be a work-in-progress.
Because a few of you have asked: yes, I’m still engaged, and yes, I’m still moving to the United States at some point this year. We’re yet to put in the visa petition (it’s likely to be next week, but there are inevitable hurdles to something like this that you just have to be philosophical about). I still struggle to articulate my feelings about this whole process, even to myself. There are background certainties - that I’m in love, and that this is what I want to do - but the day-to-day throws up a lot of feelings that are difficult to understand.
There are a couple of things I might start to do soon. Podcasting is one; getting fitter is another (I’m still waiting for warmer weather, and it snowed today). I’m nervous about both.
Hanging in there.