Resolutions, 2015

Read more books. Put books first. Still watch films, and maybe even play video games from time to time, but books are important.

Write. It doesn’t really matter what you write, but make sure you do. Finish writing that horror story that’s ruminating in your in-progress folder. Write at least the first novel of the duology you spent the last year planning. Write more essays for Bright Wall/Dark Room, or at least attempt to.

Make time to meditate. You feel better when you do. Work on being more present, generally speaking.

Learn to drive, somehow. It’s entirely possible that you won’t find your ideal job this year, but the least you can do is widen your prospects.

Take more photos. This includes the weird, staged ones of you and Arden for you to show the immigration officials in 2016. It might seem cheesy, but it’ll get rid of some of the anxiety.

Learn a few recipes. Your diet has gone to hell this year.

Keep the place you live in cleaner. You’re 24. You know how to use a dustcloth.

Be kinder when you think about people. If there’s any part of your head that’s gone into shock since you came to the USA, it’s come as a result of seeing the sheer ugliness on display in the way that some think and act; having said that, you’ve become a little jaded. There’s still a lot of beauty in the world. You just have to look for it.

Give up on this whole “being an adult” thing. It’s overrated. Worse than that - it’s damaging when you try and contextualise it that way. People are just people, and I get that you’re in your mid-twenties and that this is what people in their mid-twenties do, but I’m sure Lena Dunham and countless other egocentric New Yorkers have it covered. We can allow for a little introspection, but stop shoehorning it into this absurd “I’m growing up” framework. You’re always growing up. That’s what people do.

Oh, and one more thing:

Don’t allow your accent to drift into Christian Bale territory. Please.

2014-01-06

Nearly nine months ago now, I asked Evan to give me some insight into the kind of films that get him ticking, because his essays on film (and, lately, Teen Wolf) are the sort of thing that I aspire to have the depth and wit to write at some point in the future. He sent back a brilliant reply, with a cluster of recommendations, and because my brain has been in a totally scattershot condition over the last year or so I completely ignored it.

I came across it again today. There were a few films by David Gordon Green, who I talked about recently, and others that I’m not so familiar with. I plan to make it a soft New Year’s Resolution to follow up on them all.

I think I’d also like to engage with others on the internet a little more. The explosion of Tumblr as something For Everyone kind of shoved me onto a pedestal in terms of my self-awareness; regardless of how friendly I present myself, there’s a sense that the version of me that exists online is a pre-packaged form of me, not really something for social consumption. I’d like to remedy that, maybe. Re-connect with some from whom I’ve grown apart, and maybe forge the odd friendship here and there. I don’t think it should be that hard. Just needs a little investment.

In the first few months of this year, other than getting settled in the US (and married! Can’t forget that) I want to write more indiscriminately. I poured so much time last year into working on Dystopolis that the idea of any other creative outlet was unthinkable; now that it’s mostly out of the way, I want to just write what comes to mind, no matter how unfinished or outlandish. At some point, I’ll develop something further, but I have a brain bursting full of ideas and too much repression. I think it’s time to get past it.

I suppose something that ties into both of the things above is the spirit of collaboration, which I’ve somewhat lost; I used to write with others, but as I’ve grown distant from my friends in the UK and suffered the awkwardness of Google Docs, that practice has fallen by the wayside. Exposing myself to the style and imagination of others is the single most powerful thing that’s improved my writing, and I hope I can find it again.

I don’t know what all of this. Call them alternative resolutions, maybe. Or just ideas on how to be a better person. Now is the sort of time where every facet of my personality is up for review.

Resolutions Retrospective - 2012

I do this every year, though it’ll be the first time that I’ve done it on this blog - recount my New Year’s resolutions from the start of the year, and see how I did. This is what I had on my mind twelve months ago, then:

1. Get better. This one’s hard, because my memory of the last year is a little fuzzy. In some respects, I think I’ve become more stable. I’ve demonstrated to myself that I can hold down a job, and while I still have issues with anxiety they’re not as pronounced or prolonged as before. There are still cracks. I still struggle with my family, and my fears for the future, but they’re fading concerns. I’m gaining a space where I can focus on maintaining a positive mental attitude.
2. Plan to move Arden to the UK. Obviously, plans have changed - but in terms of moving to the US, things are plodding along at the sort of pace you’d expect from American bureaucracy. We’re still looking at next summer.
3. Organise myself. I’m more organised than I was over the course of my degree, and while I haven’t yet got into a routine for creative stuff, I’m getting there.
4. Go outside once a day. I’ve at least got behind the spirit of this - I’m not scared of going outdoors anymore (I was agoraphobic, I’ve realised, for a good portion of 2011) , and I’ll often go for walks even in miserable weather. Fresh air does wonders for your brain.
5. Be sociable at work. It’s early days, but I think I’m doing okay here. Obviously my colleagues aren’t quite my age, but I’m fitting well into the team. Jobs are funny things.
6. Don’t lose the people I care about. I haven’t. I wrote this one at the end of a year with a lot of distance wedged between a few former friends and I, and I think I was worried. Things turned out fine this year - if anything, I’ve strengthened a few friendships.
7. Don’t let others twist my view of the world. I’m thinking about this one, and while the negative example I gave (my then-housemates) ended up fizzling out, I can’t say with confidence that others haven’t changed me. I’m in a weird place at the moment, where my usual abstract perspective isn’t quite as clear. I’ll have to give this one some time before I’m sure.
8. Write. An utter failure, but one that I’m passionately rectifying whenever I can. I really want to get this book out by Easter.

So… all in all, not bad. Which is good. My resolutions this year effectively amounted to staying sane, and every failure on the list isn’t a frivolous one - I have deep insecurities about my writing, and it’s only lately that I’ve been working on fixing my attitude. There have been some serious lows this year, and some staggering highs, but I’ve come through stronger and all the better for it. I think next year, I’m going to build on the base I’ve established to do some truly brilliant things.