Played: The Amazing Spider-Man
This game - itself a sequel of sorts to the 2012 movie of the same name - now has a sequel of its own, accompanying the theater release of the latest film iteration of the Spider-Man franchise. There were also some other games back when Tobey Maguire was wearing the mask. I haven’t played those. Andrew Garfield plays him now, and a poor Andrew Garfield soundalike plays him in this game.
And this game is pretty terrible, honestly. I say that as a sucker for open-world games, which this ostensibly is, but my god. It’s poor. The chief problem is the lack of variety - dozens of so-called sidequests litter your map, but the vast majority consist of “transport person X from point A to point B”, or “beat up this gang of thugs”. Even that would be tolerable, though, if not for the painful lack of variety when it comes to dialogue. And there’s the thing. That’s the thing that kills this game.
I am not a big fan of Spidey. I don’t say that as a slight - he’s just a character I have little interest in, like a lot of superheroes. What I do know, though, is that he’s a character known for his humor, as spontaneous with his quips as he is with his web-shooters (which are mechanical, here, which is apparently a big deal, but I don’t care because I have other things to do with my life). And the first time you hear him say to a rescued civilian that “the important thing is that you’re still alive; stay frosty,” you can’t help but grin at how goofy it all is. But then you hear it again. And again. And again. Along with “ugh, don’t drool on the suit!” Or the worst culprit: “as your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, I’m happy to lay the smackdown on any lowlife thug.” Ugh. I just cringed writing that. These lines are embedded in my head, now, all because Spider-Man thought he could get away with saying the same lines over and over again to different strangers under the pretense of being spontaneous. Fuck you, Spider-Man. I see through you, and your dumb skintight suit.
Other than that, it’s - well, it’s fine. It sort of wants to be Arkham Asylum, because every superhero game wants to be Arkham Asylum now, and when it’s doing the linear stuff (which almost always takes place away from the city, apart from one or two set-pieces that are actually genuinely impressive) the story is perfectly okay, though nothing deserving of any accolades. Steve Blum even does a serviceable Rhys Ifans impression as Curt Connors, though I distinctly remember that Rhys Ifans’s impression of Rhys Ifans in the film was already a little off. It’s just that a game where you have the power to swing around New York City like a lycra-clad madman shouldn’t feel this - well - boring. And at its worst, it really is. As you swing from one nondescript building to the next, on your way to save the next blank-faced civilian from certain doom, it all starts to feel like a chore. Maybe this is what superheroes feel like when they’re just clocking in, listening to police scanners in the hope that they can find something, god, anything to get them out of the house. Next time, Peter, stick to Netflix.
